Life #11 - Let's Be Honest

Life as a student is tough. I know it, you know it and so's the rest of the people in this world.

But it depends on how we educated people deal with it. For me, yeah, I'm fukken screwed and I don't even know whether or not I can go on like this, and I don't even have the strength to be doing any effort to get it back to normal.

I've been spending most of my time worrying about my study and fuck, I keep on worrying without doing anything. I'm fukken useless. I don't know what the fuck is my problem but all I know, yes, since I'm not used to telling my good friends about how screwed I am, I'm writing an entry to rant all about myself, how much I hate myself for being the me right now, and how fukken much I miss the old me.

And sucks to be you readers to be reading it. Sape suruh baca diari orang.

The problem is me. No matter how fukken screwed it is, I 'chose' it to be this way which brings me nothing good and if I keep on being like this, well God knows where my future is heading into.

And I can't get over it. I'm fukken weak as a guy and it affects my whole life depending on it.

I'm in tense. I get stress all the time and all of you people seems to read my writings like I enjoy most of my time in here, well, you're wrong. I'm fukken doomed.

I used to be like an optimistic person, and I used to get through anything like a wise guy, but this time, I lose. I can't go on like this. I just broke another heart after mine because of a certain person who really didn't appreciate me as I cared for her all my life.

I know, there's no other way to save myself from still being in this whole pile of horse shit than to change myself. It's been hard. I'm already stuck and used to the me right now. I hate it to be like this. I fukken hate it, but I'm letting my life to be that way.

Let's be honest, speaking about giving up, well I don't really fukken know what that term means. Am I giving up? But, I'm not sure about that. I still have to make this real. I still have to get my life back to normal no matter what. What I'm sure is, I've been far away too depressed until I'm not used to sigh anymore.

I just let it flow to anywhere it goes without any action taken. Look how fukken doomed I am.

I'm not accusing this to others' fault, but seriously, you took a part of the 'team' that made me being like this. It's been 5-6 months and heck, I've already gotten into another relationship but that still didn't help me for a single tiny thing, just I get to be 'happy' for a while. And I'm really, really sad about it. Yet, you still live happily with him.

But still.

The problem is me myself.

I'm weak.

God help me.


P/s : Do try trolling me, but sorry, I don't give a fuck. This feeling hurts much much more than you trolls do.

7 comments:

pailang said...

uh. jangan sampai suicide sudah ayed.
kite masih muda.
sume tu ada hikmah. pandai kan aku bercakap

jiwa kacau said...

aku pon sama der....damn it

zedRadzai said...

@pailang
haha i would've be dead by now if i wanted to. tp tidak. :)

@jiwa kacau
glad to know i'm not alone. fuck our lives.

DzULhAFiZi said...

no worries dude...people cant run or hide from problems...sometimes aku rase naaak sgt2 balik time sekolah dlu...nak nikmati btul2 ape yg aku miss skrg...(T_T)

pepam said...

then lets fukken kill some noobs in garena! or lets fap!

raji said...

once u get through hell,hell yeah u'll be a new person.hati batu..
:) gud luck syg

Aftuz said...

Got the same problems like u before.God doesn't help you if you don't help yourself first.Take an action not think an action.Its just wasting time..gud luck :)