Hello, kids. Today I'm going to write about shit. As usual.
You see, back then when I was a kid, I'm used to shit in eastern-style toilets where you have to squat on the magical bowl where your poop will suddenly disappear with beautiful waterfalls from the tank. Flushed, I mean.
And when I was in the age 7-9, my dad brought all of us to England to further his studies. Well, at first, I was still a child back then, and all I can see in the toilets is newly designed toilet bowls where sitting, instead of squatting would be a new adventure for your poop trip.
But because I was a child, and my body was kinda small to sit on that toilet, I hate it, you know why? It once happened to me that I accidentally slipped into the toilet and had my own shit all over my buttocks when I've already finished shitting. FFFUUUUUU
So to make sure that that thing never happen again, I'm back with the same old style, with the new toilet bowl. Well, you know..
And sometimes it does get messy. Because with your bare foot on the bowl, it's still slippery, though. I once fell from the toilet bowl and while struggling to get balanced on my feet, I fell even harder and hit my head hard on the bath tub next to it. It hurts so fucking bad. But hey, I thought getting hurt that way is better than getting poo all over your buttocks.
But too bad, the next day, I had benjol-benjol on my head but I was too shy to admit it to my parents, so I figured out, bagi alasan....
"Terhantuk dengan kawan time main rounders kat sekolah."
Would be cooler instead of
"Terjatuh time berak semalam.. Alaaaa tengok tu jangan laaa gelakkk huwaaaa.. :'("
So, yes, time kecik-kecik dulu memang aku berak camni every fucking time kat sana. Quite embarrassing to admit that. But fuck it, I ain't giving shit.
And then time balik Malaysia, finally I get to return to my usual pooping journey where I don't have to sit nor squat on a fucking western-style bowl toilet, but I'm back with my sweet loving eastern-style toilet bowl. Fukken love ya, mate!
So, while enjoying my childhood shitting on jamban nenggong, I do appreciate every moment of it and dreaming of shitting massive shits everyday with the perfect mood and nice condition of a toilet.
But day by day, when I already hit my puberty and no longer have the body of a kid, I have no other choices than to actually sit on a western-style toilet bowl. 'Cause, once in a while, we do shit in public toilets and in hotels and such right? So I finally learned both ways on how to shit while sitting and squatting on both western and eastern toilet bowl. Profit!
And there was this day back in 2004 when I opened up my email and received one interesting article about how dangerous it is to squat on a western-style toilet bowl. Do you want me to upload the bloody picture in here? Go Google it on your own. So since then, I swore to myself and my soul, that I will never ever berak menenggong kat jamban western.
And here comes Japan, the land of a new way to shit in the toilet. Because I've already said this before. In here, most of the toilets use modernized technology toilet bowls just for the maximum satisfying feeling while shitting. 'Cause you know why? On the toilet bowl, there actually have buttons on it to control the firing blaze of hot water right up to your fucking assholes to shoot and wash all the left-overs after shitting.
Seriously, to enjoy the feeling of technology washing your ass up? Guys, it does seem good at the first place, but in the end, shitting would make you realize that it is actually an adventure. There's no fucking adventure letting some modern toilet bowls shooting your asses to wash 'em, while you're just sitting there doing fucking nothing!
You know what true adventure of shitting is? Here we have both efforts and maximum satisfaction, too!
So tell me, what's certainly the best condition for a normal person like you to shit in Malaysian's toilet?
Thanks to Pam for bringing this up, I will gladly enough to elaborate every point of the perfect pre-requisite of pooping.
1] Paip kena ade hose
This is definitely a must for every time shitting on a toilet. Tak nak cebok, taknak air dalam tub. Nak air direct dari paip. Without a hose, you could never walk out from a toilet smiling, seriously.
2] Water running mesti leh pancut at least 45cm.
What could possibly be the worst case scenario shitting on a toilet having a hose next to you, but when you open up the running water, air kuar dari paip macam air mazi? Nightmare sial. Air ada, tapi kua macam tu, arghhhhhh hilang tujuan hidup! Air kena pancut laju, for the maximum erotic feeling when the ejaculated water touches your asshole. The faster, the better.
3] Rokok penambah selera.
While having your preferably alone moments, a cigarette or two would definitely be a bonus for some smokers like me. It's like when you're squatting long enough in the moment, there's nothing to do instead of daydreaming about your fucked-up life. Why do we have to do that and feel bad when we can actually enjoy the moment by adding some cigarettes on the list?
Bagi yang bukan smoker, bolehlah cari Majalah Remaja atau Mangga to have hard-ons while pooping. Nice!
4] Cheerful environment.
Lampu kena ada, suasana kena terang. And the most important thing is, bau and kebersihan sebelum parking nak berak tu kena normal. Preferably wangi dan tiada kotoran-kotoran tanah dari tapak kasut bercampur air di lantai toilet. So this is the time to work on it! You have no other choice to clean up your toilet everytime after using it!
5] Time constraint.
You could never ever get satisfied shitting while waiting for your final paper. Memang takleh berak nikmat kalau lagi 10 minit nak masuk dewan peperiksaan. And things will get worst in the future if you have to shit while you're actually in the middle of your exam. Like in my paper in SPM, aku tak tahan nak berak time paper Teknologi Kejuruteraan and there you have it, a C6! [padahal ayat cover memang aku bodoh pon subjek tu]
So you have no choice than holding it up and trust me, you can thank me after those tahan-tahan tu. Sebab moment tu lah yang terbaik sekali.
And that is all, for now. Feel free to add some points on your own list. Because, what's better than having moments like this to be spent with the most satisfying conditions? It's like making the best out of a relationship. Because why, personally to me, nikmat kedua tersedap di dunia ini selepas seks adalah berak. So kite patut bersyukur.
And same goes to peeing! :D
P/s : Buat keje gile skali-skala.
Credit to Pam for the idea.