Sexist #11 - Keunikan Wanita

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Women are unique. Yes, they are. Doesn't it sometimes crosses our straight male minds about how attractive their body really is to us? Those curvy little piece of booty behind their back and everything about their body is just - curvy. Just curvy. Damn.

And it do bothers me about why the curviness of a woman's body [is there a word?] always succeeded to suddenly make our penises turn bigger and bigger. Why does it?

I look at my round-shaped pillow all day and nothing ever happens to my penis, that's for sure. But as a lonely fuck, when I browse through the internet and "accidentally" sees a nude picture of a women, there you have it. We get excited all the time.

And end up exhausted. Huh~huh.

I've lived long enough to realize that I like wimmens' body, just the way they are. They make me happy. I believe that the curves in their body is a direct correlation with how many penises get high just looking at them naked.

C'mon ladies, don't look at me like I'm the only pervy guy in the world. At least I have the courtesy to write it down. I'm actually complimenting you.

You see, I get it why God created the Vagina. It's a hole, and that hole will be matched with the Penis from us guys. That, to me, made a perfect match. A hole and a stick? Look how creative our God is. And from every pair of Vaginas and Penises, after the sexual intercourse, another human being will be born from it.

But what I don't get is, the breasts these women have. Why do they have to be so curvy, round and soft? And what's their pair to us men? Our scrotum? Hurmm, that seems plausible. But geez, those breasts, man. It fucks the crap out of me.

Ladies, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I gotta tell you something. Don't get offended, but you need to hear this out.

I uh..

I love womans' breasts the most.

There. Phew, that was easy. Thank you for backing me up guys.

You see, I appreciate them, ladies. Small or large, don't feel bad, as long as they're your own, I appreciate them. I really wish I could have a pair for myself.

Not on me, though. I'm not a freak. You know, just like a nice pair that I could carry around with me and every now and then I could just reach over to them and honking them with my hand as they would please me. It'd be nice, you know. They're fucking soft.

Kinda wish I could install them in my first car in the future where the airbags are, you know. I dunno, when I get bored, maybe I'd just drive my car around, keep crashing into stuffs all day.

Won't it be fun? I won't be scared at all about having an accident just about anytime. But instead, I'd really wish for it to happen. Everytime I'd crash something, that moment would be the moment I'd enjoy about having surprise breasts soft cushions as the safety airbags on my face.

I can do every move I love with those breasts, you know "WOBBLE-WOBBLE" "BRRRRRRRRR [sambil geleng2 kepala]". It'd be very much exciting indeed.

And that'd be worth it, you see. Instead of being scared you might be dead because of the accident, those breasts will ease your pain inside!

Hurm kapirnya ayat...

Anyways, how about you ladies? Do you wish about keeping a fake penis in your handbag? No, obviously I'm not talking about dildos or anything, that'd be personal, am I right?

Just a penis so you can squeeze the balls everytime you get mad at your boyfriend and imagine that one is his. Or the one which you can shoot white-colour acid liquid to actual perverts' eyes everytime you got mugged or sexually harassed in the streets every once in a while. Hell, you may be no longer need those lame pepper spray, you know. A fake penis is enough for your own safety. I'm just saying.

We should start a new hobby of these, you know. Let's collect fake breasts and fake penises just for fun.



P/s : "I just want you to know that this is by far the biggest mistake of your life and there's actually nothing you can do to fix it."

Credit to Russell Peters for the idea.

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Hey Fella #5 - The Reacher and The Settler

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In most relationships as we see it, we can almost judge one's purpose on the specific relationship which is as simple as it is, by clarifying and identifying which ones from the couple are the reacher and which ones are the settler.

And for most of you who haven't understood of what I'm about to write in this saja-suka-suka relationship crap, here's a simple explanation.

Say you have a friend of yours and his/her lover.

From both of them, who amongst them would you say, I dunno, would be the one who would actually make the relationship going on? Say, without his or her attention to the couple itself, the relationship would be as sour as a vinegar. Or in other words, boring. Unattractive. No future.

That would be the reacher.

Because as the word itself means, the person who's actually being the reacher is the one who are used to push and struggling to reach and see where things are going in the relationship while the other just sits there doing nothing. They are willingly to give everything it takes to keep the love of their life to always being by their side. That being said, if you ever thought of yourself being the reacher in your current relationship, don't feel bad. In relationships, human beings with emotions like us normally may have been in that situation before, which of course, most of them are caused by obvious reasons :

1. You're not hotter than your couple.

2. Your couple is still healing from a broken heart or may haven't moved on from a certain unresolved issue in their life.

3. There's just something in you which turns them [your lover] off.

4. You suck in relationships.

5. Guys/girls other than them are just out of your league.


Let's move on. So what does the settler makes in a relationship?

Nothing. Most of the time he/she just sits there watching his/her couple trying their best to make them happy. And by the word "settle" which makes a settler be a settler, is that he/she is actually settling down from all of this relationship matter. And this may be caused by certain reasons, which by my opinion, is :

1. They are way hotter than you.

2. Their lives are fucked up, so it won't bother settling down for losers like you anyway.

3. There's a certain something in you that makes them still wanna be with you, but.. You'll figure out that "but" sooner or later.

4. They have no choice.

5. Deep down inside, they might think that they would hit a hotter girl/guy instead of you fugly fat fucks.


There you have it. The reacher and the settler.

If you readers would like to look at others first before jumping into conclusions about your own sweet-ass relationships, well, let's have a try, shall we?

Now, how to identify these so-called reacher and settler? Simple!

Unless the couple itself does keep enough privacy of their relationship, it's as easy as a piece of cake to detect which ones are whom you've been looking for.

As for me, I love observing "sweet", pathetic couples out there who's shamelessly making facebook as their daily candle-light dinner. It's like the facebook itself would be the Eiffel Tower and the reacher in the couple would go on and on posting sweet holy fuck of romantic lame-ass shit on to the other, day and night. Now these kinds of couple are the ones I'd love to see the most. They are very much indeed, entertaining.

And to know which ones are you looking for, just look at their conversations on facebook. Which one is typing the most letters in a comment and which one replied just a couple words. You choose.

Or suddenly they have arguments and one of them are going all berserk on facebook, this is the perfect timing to identify. From several observations, I mean. Because the reacher would always be the one who looked disappointed, posted all feeling-bad shit on facebook, while the other half, the settler, would go on live his facebook profile as nothing happened, being all cool as shit.

I'm just saying. These are tips to identify and observe people on the outside before you made an example out of them and finally decide which side are you on in your current relationship.

Don't feel bad. Trust me, if you're on your middle 20s I'm sure you've been on both reacher and settler's side.

But what matters the most is about now.

For you sweet couples out there who is reading this crap, it does feel uncomfortable right now, doesn't it?

Yes, and that doesn't go away.

Some of us may have not realized this shit before this. Or some of us may even don't give a shit about it. But hell, you gots to choose, baby. Now's the time.

Now pick one and choose which one of you might be in your relationship. The reacher, or the settler? And go ask your boyfriends/girlfriends. Have a healthy discussion about it.

Confused which ones you are? Try making your partner jealous. If they hardly do get jealous, or you end up being jealous yourself, well, that's just some bad news for you. The settler don't easily get jealous, mark my words. So, you're the reacher.

Don't give a shit about all of this? Sorry, that is pure utter bullshit, you DO give a fuck. But by stating "I don't give a damn" at the first place after reading this entry would obviously made you BEING the reacher in your relationship HAHA AHHAHA

Happy feeling bad and if it ends up having a huge war between both of you, may you have a clean break up.


P/s : Idea to write triggered after watching How I Met Your Mother. Damn, that show's awesome!

Shit Cover #17 - Almost Here [Brian McFadden & Delta Goodrem]

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Hoho ape jadah la ni lately asyik post entry cover je. Memang takde keje lain. Aku dah malas nak menulis sangat. Tengok lah ade mood nanti.

Anywho.

Check out this cover my friend, Zara and I made just for fun. :)




Shit ah esok ade quiz kot. Camne ni camne ni. Struggle jelah malam ni. Huu.


P/s : Hui.

Shit Cover #16 - Love Is.. [Tiara Feat KG]

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One day I got a message on youtube from a fellow stranger named Reachan95 from France and she asked me if I wanted to make a duet cover of a song I've never heard before, with her.

But I dunno, without hesitationg, I figured out, let's give it a shot then.

So this is it. Yea I know syok sendiri. Sigh.





I dunno, even she's from France, but hell, her singing really sounded like a Japanese to me.


P/s : I'm sick of thinking about what to write on this P/s bullshit on every entry. lol.

Shit Cover #15 - Futatsu No Kuchibiru [Exile]

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Hurm, lama tak buat cover. :"> Salah ko la ni.





P/s : Wawawawawawa.

Random Shit Story #11 - The Story Of The Day I Went Berserk

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It was somewhere in the future, when I was having bedtime stories with my kid.

"This story happened quite some time ago, when I was little. Pretty much when you guys were small or weren't even born yet. Maybe it's a dream or some place where me and my subconscious is playing with each other. And now I've just remembered how it actually went, so it's time for story telling.

It all started out of nowhere. Suddenly I was at this dark cave with hundreds of other dudes and chicks. We were all running towards something deep inside that cave. God, how dark and wet it was at that time. I don't even have an idea on what was I doing in there at the first place.

So I figured out, these guys might be running from something. Then I became scared, too. I guess. So out of other I asked this one dude, while running next to him.

Me : Yo, man! What the hell are you and these other guys running from?
Dude : Don't "Yo, man!" me, dumbass. I'm not even a guy.
Me : Wait, what? You look pretty much like a dude to me, though. That's why I approached ya. Cause' I'm a dude, too, and I'm quite shy to talk to that cute lil' chick over there. :">
Dude : Yeah, yeah, anything you say, I ain't buying shit. You're not a dude, neither. I'm gonna win. So, see ya.

Then he immediately started accelerating his speed in running leaving me behind. I was like WTF? He's not a guy. He looked pretty much like a guy to me. Except for the fact that I'm more awesome than he is, fuck yeah.

And he said I'm not a guy, too. Damn it, how dare he undermine me with all this sexual problem matter? He doesn't even have the idea of how big my penis could be. And I put my hands to my crotch to see how huge it is right now, you know, just to make myself feel better, but..

But, wait.

Why don't I feel anything?

OMG, where's my fucking dick? Where the fuck did it.... Holy crap, that guy.. No, that person's telling the truth!

And with this mindfuck idea I suddenly had, it made the situation become weirder. What is this? Looked like a fucking dream to me. Sure one hell of a weird-ass dream.

Nahh, nevermind. I'm running as well. I'm gonna find that dude-person and ask him all about this shit.

So I started sprinting. Leaving all the slow motherfuckers behind. God how slow they were. Fuck them, you suck bitches!

And I suddenly realized, of how beautifully fast I was. Everyone beside me looked like a scene from the Smallville series when Clark Kent sees everything so awfully fast left behind everytime he moves his ass to save the girl of his dreams.

God, I'm Superman! How cool is that?! :D


....

Hurm.

Where and what the fuck I am right now?

That question keep replaying itself in my head as I heroicly [Is there even a word?] ran fast enough until I finally get to see the dude I was talking with back then. And as awesome as hell, I ran next to him and poke him on the shoulder going all like...

Me : 'sup.

And his reaction was awfully shocked by my sudden appearance next to him. He thought he was winning this marathon.

Hm?

Marathon?

Wait a minute.

Is this a marathon? Is this what this all about? If it is, holy fuck I am so gonna win this. I can't lose any competition! It's not me if I did lose.

Me : Hey dude. Look who's rocking now. :) See ya.

And I immediately left him behind. just like he did to me. But this time, I showed my middle finger while running backwards, leaving him behind looking disappointed and all. Poor little bastard.

And hey, guess what? There actually was no one anymore in front of me. I am surely as hell winning this marathon. God, how badass I was at this point. Those fuckers are all losers. Hell yeah.

And suddenly I reached this point where I assume something is waiting at the finish line. Something big and huge. Something sphere-shaped. It was all very beautiful and looking at how amazing the scenery was, I kept on running as hard as I could towards the big ball of fame and glory.

I dunno, I've already reached the main entrance of that big ball. Okay, fuck, now it's a God damn building alright. A round building. But still, with my eyes I can see the view of the finishing line but it seems too far away. So I kept running like about an hour or so, until at some point I actually get there.

The moment I got there, I thought there was gonna be some crowd cheering at me going all like "We love you, bro! Good job!" I mean, it's a marathon, right?

But it all went wrong. There was this something from the centre of that ball-shaped building getting at me and weirdly, they were absorbing me into some kind of transformation.

And I was like......"






"Sigh." My daughter's sigh suddenly caught my attention.

"Cut the crap, dad. I know this is the story of how you went out from grandpa's penis and get to the ovum of grandma. And nine months later, you got out of her belly looking hot as hell with your newly made penis. I'm nine, dad. I have sex education in school. I know all this stuff," said Natasha, my smart, beautiful princess.

[Now that is some random name I got for this entry, now don't get mad at me, cause for sure we're gonna have our own talk about our daughter's name, okay my-future-wife-to-be-who-ever-the-hell-you-are?]

"Great, now you've spoiled the mood. Just great. Go to bed." I murmured, feeling enough disgraceful of myself for not having the chance to make my own daughter going all like WOAAAAAAAHHH with that awesome story of mine just because their days of school will be having sex education at class. Damn it!

Geez, it's been a long night. Might as well, I get to bed, too. YAWNNNNN.


"Hey, dad." Natasha whispered, as I went out of her bedroom.

"Yes?"

"Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you."





P/s : Happy Birthday and may God bless you, Zaid.
A day earlier to wish, but hey, it's a lie, anyways. Happy dying.

Brix #12 - The Conversation Of The Three Dumped Guys

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Other than my homies here in Japan, I have two other best buddies, back in Malaysia, let's just call em' Max and Bob. We were best buddies since highschool. And every one of us had bad luck, yeap, our ex-s dumped us even when we would give everything for them.

But the recently dumped guy was Max. Me and Bob's break-up were like months ago. So he had a talk with Bob and me being the listener. Max planned to talk about some serious talk, but it turned out being funny instead.


Max : Aku pelik la perempuan ni, dah lah diorang ramai, lelaki sikit, dah jumpa orang cam kite ni, yang sayang gila babi, dah all out abeh duit peluh sume, leh dorang tinggal gak, Tapi btw, nampak la bangang kite kat situ.
Andy & Bob : Hmm.
Max : Pelik doh, aku tak dapat benci ex-ex aku before ni, tatau pasal ape, maybe sebab kena tinggal kot.

*Pause*

Max : Eh tak ah, bukan sebab kena tinggal, sebab bangang kot.
All of us : *Looking at each other*.... BLUERGHAHAHA AHHA HAHAHAAHHAHA.




After all the laughing..



Bob : Tu ah, aku rasa geng-geng kite ni susah la nak dapat awek betul-betul elok, sebab tiga-tiga bangang.
Bob : Zed lagi bangang, hahaha kena tinggal puh puh camtu. =))))
All of us : BLUERGHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHIT.









Well, thanks guys, even I wasn't there, you guys sure made my day.

You see, fellas, having friends like these are like the most awesome gift from God himself. You make fun of each other, with nasty lawak kasar punya, neither behind his back or even in front of him. And at the same time, you understand each other pretty much. Having friends like these is pretty much the most awesome gift everyone wanted.

And this isn't some sarcastic shit.


*******


Enough of the friendship crap.

Maybe all of those BS is true after all.

Moral of the story --> Never give everything to someone special till you're... No, don't ever give everything. LOL

Cheers, Brohood of Bangang. Not to forget, cheers to Forever Alone FC, too!



P/s : "I'm sorry for you OP, weird though, after my first gf, where I did all that and everything, I already learned that the nice guy doesn't actually work. I am now an asshole and it's working great, you know. Not the all retarded type of asshole, just the teasing one and such. Well, I also learned I can never get over my first, and that I regret ever meeting her, even though the time with her was totally amazing. She broke me. Bitch."




Brix #11 - Awkward Silence

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The key to a good communication skill is to adjust every moment of conversation not to turn out being weird or some kind of an unintended joke to the other half. Like meeting new people, you have to be a good listener, or like pretend to be, because at some point, for instance, stating out..

"I love you because you're a good listener."


Is sure a sad thing. Because everybody's hypocrite and nobody's actually give a shit about some girl's talk or problems. We guys just wanna have sex with you.


What people really give shit is the impression. The first impression. That moment is where you should bring out the best of yourselves to show off to people of how awesome you may be.

And the first impression is very important, because it may change things. People usually would never wanna get to know a super wasted drunk guy in the liquor store compared to a normal good-looking, un-fucked up guy who's sitting in the bar having fun with his fellow friends.

Because to that drunk guy, people will never be able to forget of the first impression he gave to people, even if he woke up the next morning and turn into the normal guy you see at the bar. Well, let's just say that it's his bad luck for having such an awful day.

Enough of this crap everyone knows about.


*****


What I'm gonna write tonight is about this certain moment which you don't get everyday with the exact same people. And the chances of people handling this situation smoothly is thin.

Yeah, it's about the moment where you just shut up without reasons. And eventually, even women [who as we know, talks a lot ] would surely have those things moving around. Yeah, you do.

Sigh, these sexist jokes are sure getting pretty lame.

Awkward silence. They should be treated in a funny way. Unless you're dealing with your angry boss or over-protective dad or anything, you should take a shot of it with your friends.

Remember the times back then in primary school, in the class where everyone of us kids would not stop making noises because we're too busy playing and enjoying our lifetime as a kid?

Geez, I miss those times.

Nahh, I'm not finished.

Well, speaking about mine, it sure does happen a lot. The greatest awkward silence in the whole class with a bunch of kids who sure can't take it being quiet, suddenly, without any reason, everyone seems to be pretty much in a silent moment for some seconds at the same fucking time, and that is all.

Don't you think those things are weird? Yeah, I know the Malay Muslims call these moments..



"Ha, malaikat tengah lalu.."



And the best part out of it was, every class has its own cool kid. Every time the awkward silence strikes out, the cool kid would make one joke, actually, the joke is quite offensive to Muslims anyway, but these cool kids, ain't giving shit and start trolling people in real life since 5th grade.



****AWKWARD SILENCE****


Suddenly..



Cool Kid : *Tiba-tiba bangun dari kerusi dan sua dan hulur kaki ke hadapan* Malaikat lalu weh, tahan dia, kasi die jatuh. XD



And the whole class, including me, would burst out into laughter of the first offensive yet horrible joke I knew in my childhood. If you do those stupid jokes in the office or the class today, maybe people would misjudge you and think you're just stupid and insensitive. Strange, right?

Awkward silence, there's so many ways to bring laughter out of it.

Say, you make an intended joke at school, making fun of the guy who everyone laughs at [yeah, every college have those], but turns out it became a truly honest mistake about him..



YOU : Weh, tengok! Ni ha budak yang jatuh longkang semalam HAHAHAHAHA AAHHA AHAHAHA HHAA.



And when you realize you're laughin alone in the class, you bestfriend came to you and..



Member bisik : Psst, weh die baru dapat tau bapak die meninggal tadi duh..

YOU : ..............




Now that's the perfect awkward silence.


*God, I hope this never happens to me. It feels so awful, man*



And you have no idea of apologizing to the guy, or even do anything to handle the matter from being worst and you can't stop feeling bad every time you think about it.

These moments, it's just an illusion. It can make us feel bad, feel good, or even feel both. But the real cool thing to do about this moment is, to be making fun out of it.

Just like the cool kid with his "Malaikat" Joke. He really knows his stuff.

You see, whenever the moment of that awkward silence comes, suddenly the whole place became gloomy, moody, and everything you feel bad about, right?

And when you become the cool kid, and make everyone laughs, suddenly POOF! and everything goes away. Now ain't that just awesome?




P/s : J-J-Jaded.