Gettin Really Tired of Your Shit, Danny

.

It's never too late to start over. Regrets are for pussies. No matter what lies ahead, it's never too late for you to make up for what you've done in the past. Never too late, unless you're brain-dead, living off the life-support machine. Then it IS too late. You can start regretting anything that comes to mind at that time. Not that you have control of your mind at that time. You're on your own, nigga *flies away*.

Well, jauh nyimpang dah ni.

Aight, let's start with a story.

******

'twas 27th May. The date of which Danny's been waiting for the whole month. The Pay Day. He called up Larry, his best buddy inviting him for a drink at a stall nearby.
"Wei minum, aku payung kau"

Larry, being a cheap mothafucka, had no objection at all. All he thought at that time was, what should he ordered.

The usual Larry would never be on time for anything. Meetings, datelines, reports were never completed on time. Semayang jangan cakap la. But this time it's different. He was way ahead of Danny, the clockwork. He arrived exactly 13 minutes earlier than the agreed time. So he sat at one of the empty table.

He waited anxiously, his thoughts completely in a tornado state, because he was starving.

Danny arrived 20 minutes after. He got caught in a traffic jam. A car rammed the lorry in front of it. At least that was what Danny saw.

He shook Larry's hand. Then he sat on the chair opposite of Larry's.

The waiter came, and took a shitload of orders. They were all Larry's.

Danny started the conversation by asking Larry's current predicament. They both exchange stories about what's really happening in their lives. Nothing serious in particular. The topics were boring. In fact, the topics should be considered as useless junks you keep getting in your email inbox. They served only two purpose, keeping you occupied and filling up the space.

But the night is young. Danny pulled out a box of ciggarette from his left pocket. He took one cig, and light it up.



Confession of A Grammar Nazi

.


“Grandpa, why is your left eye blind?” Danny asked.

“Oh my dear, this here is the proof that I survived the war. That time, I was busy tending to my injured comrades. Then, came this Nazi guy from my behind. He had his bayonet aimed at my face. I turned around, and just saw a glimpse of him stabbing my face” he replied.

“Whoa, what happened then?” Danny seemed really interested in the story.

“I was hurting all over. I could feel blood flowing all over my face. He tried to stab me one more time to finish me off. Phew, with luck, he was shot by my friend whom had just arrived. But I did hear he said something before he was shot” said Grandpa with a dead serious face.

“What did he say?” he asked innocently.

“I bet you did Nazi this coming, eh”


Grandpa laughed hysterically.


******


Y’know, my family was never the kind of family where English was practiced. Hell, English was such a foreign language there, the first English word I said out loud was ‘Wash’ and I didn’t even pronounced it correctly at that time.

I said, “Ayah, ni baju adik nak basuh ni kena pusing dekat W-E-S-H ke?”

My whole family laughed and the incident will never be forgotten every time there’s a family reunion.

I was so bad at English, all I remembered from my childhood memories was that I was being laughed at.

Tapi tu dulu.

Maybe all those insults and perli got in deep within me. I swore that I would never make mistakes. Being so intense in redeeming myself, I got into this obsessive-compulsive disorder, where I couldn’t tolerate any mistake done by myself or anyone else.

I remember this one time; I saw a banner saying “UNDILAJ BARISAN NASIONAL”

I was so enraged and was like,



******

Time went by, and my OCD cooled down, but I still couldn’t tolerate few things.

Aha. I’ve got a list here. Here it goes.

1.       Misconception of ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively’

a.       Dude, seriously. I literally got my ass kicked.

b.      I figuratively got my ass kicked. See? No? Well just omit ‘em.


2.       Usage of ‘to’ and ‘too’

a.       This is to much, sayang.

b.       I’m headed too KL Sentral.


3.       Usage of ‘I’m’ and ‘I’

a.       I’m love you.

b.      I missing you.


4.       Usage of ‘affect’ and ‘effect’

a.       Tell me how this one setback will effect our company.

b.      Tell him that that setback was just the side affect of what will come next.

C’mon people, I’m not saying that I’m perfect. I’m just stating the fact that people won’t take you seriously if yu kenot speel korekly. I don’t see any problem if you wanna write in any language you want, but it seems to me that you might need to reconsider your words if they are used for official matters.

Well, I gotta tell you this. The key to a good English essay is not lavish vocabulary you have in there, son. It is simplicity. You gotta keep it simple.


p/s : I can count to potato.