Confession of A Grammar Nazi

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“Grandpa, why is your left eye blind?” Danny asked.

“Oh my dear, this here is the proof that I survived the war. That time, I was busy tending to my injured comrades. Then, came this Nazi guy from my behind. He had his bayonet aimed at my face. I turned around, and just saw a glimpse of him stabbing my face” he replied.

“Whoa, what happened then?” Danny seemed really interested in the story.

“I was hurting all over. I could feel blood flowing all over my face. He tried to stab me one more time to finish me off. Phew, with luck, he was shot by my friend whom had just arrived. But I did hear he said something before he was shot” said Grandpa with a dead serious face.

“What did he say?” he asked innocently.

“I bet you did Nazi this coming, eh”


Grandpa laughed hysterically.


******


Y’know, my family was never the kind of family where English was practiced. Hell, English was such a foreign language there, the first English word I said out loud was ‘Wash’ and I didn’t even pronounced it correctly at that time.

I said, “Ayah, ni baju adik nak basuh ni kena pusing dekat W-E-S-H ke?”

My whole family laughed and the incident will never be forgotten every time there’s a family reunion.

I was so bad at English, all I remembered from my childhood memories was that I was being laughed at.

Tapi tu dulu.

Maybe all those insults and perli got in deep within me. I swore that I would never make mistakes. Being so intense in redeeming myself, I got into this obsessive-compulsive disorder, where I couldn’t tolerate any mistake done by myself or anyone else.

I remember this one time; I saw a banner saying “UNDILAJ BARISAN NASIONAL”

I was so enraged and was like,



******

Time went by, and my OCD cooled down, but I still couldn’t tolerate few things.

Aha. I’ve got a list here. Here it goes.

1.       Misconception of ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively’

a.       Dude, seriously. I literally got my ass kicked.

b.      I figuratively got my ass kicked. See? No? Well just omit ‘em.


2.       Usage of ‘to’ and ‘too’

a.       This is to much, sayang.

b.       I’m headed too KL Sentral.


3.       Usage of ‘I’m’ and ‘I’

a.       I’m love you.

b.      I missing you.


4.       Usage of ‘affect’ and ‘effect’

a.       Tell me how this one setback will effect our company.

b.      Tell him that that setback was just the side affect of what will come next.

C’mon people, I’m not saying that I’m perfect. I’m just stating the fact that people won’t take you seriously if yu kenot speel korekly. I don’t see any problem if you wanna write in any language you want, but it seems to me that you might need to reconsider your words if they are used for official matters.

Well, I gotta tell you this. The key to a good English essay is not lavish vocabulary you have in there, son. It is simplicity. You gotta keep it simple.


p/s : I can count to potato.

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